The saga of the Kidnapped Can Opener (KCO) begins here. The Head Kidnapper stuffed our hero into a dark box in which he was tossed around and otherwise molested as only the finest at the USPS can do. Upon arriving in his destination in the wilds of suburban Washington, his new captor took pity upon him and treated him well.
KCO was taken along with the new captor everywhere she had to go. She took him along to a wedding. It was a lovely affair set in a beautiful park-like estate owned by the parents of the bride. The ceremony was wonderful and KCO enjoyed himself greatly.However, upon feeling comfortable, KCO decided that it would be OK if he partook of the open bar at the reception and spent some time behind the garage with the under-aged hoodlums, sucking off the kegs. Things got horribly rowdy and the police were called. KCO, of course, claimed that there was no problem and he was just having a good time. The Deputy Sheriffs weren't buying it.
KCO was confrontational and began ripping apart a flower centerpiece as the bride was reduced to tears. With their hands on their holsters, the Deputy Sheriffs hollered to the now out of control kitchen utensil and, just as he began chucking party favors at the law, KCO was thrown to the ground and cuffed.
He struggled against his bindings and spewed disgusting hate speech at the officers. "Drunk and disorderly? Ha! I'll have your badge, you lily-white mamma's boy!" The Deputy Sheriffs were unaffected as they carted his ass off to throw him in the paddy wagon.
Given that the wedding was at the very outskirts of Hicksville, KCO had a bit of an opportunity to sober slightly as the paddy wagon drove him back into town. He started to regret his words and actions as the sobering reality of his situation sunk in. He was taken to the Sheriff's office, booked and thrown into the county lockup.
When the hangover wore off, KCO decided that he needed to straighten out his act if he was to ever get out of jail. It seems that he was charged with assaulting a police officer and he found out that, to his great misfortune, the bride in the wedding he'd crashed was the God Daughter of the county's prosecuting attorney who, by the way, was at the wedding.
KCO began his effort to play the part of "reformed citizen" and spent 3 days behaving, not back-talking and attempting to be helpful to the prison staff. For his cooperation, he was rewarded by being recommended for the county's work release program. As long as he continued his good behavior and returned to the jail nightly, he would be permitted to leave the grounds to work during the day.
KCO took the opportunity he was handed and he is currently listed as "Escaped from work release" in the prison records. There are several warrants out for his arrest.
Where is he now? Only he knows....
(Don't forget that you can subscribe to the Kidnapped Can Opener blog to follow KCO's travels.)
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